Things You End Up Doing On A Lazy Day

Okay, so today happens to be a pretty Sun-less, windy day (Yaaay! Fall’s here!) and as it happens, I’ve spent the whole, entire day being jobless.

This doesn’t mean I ain’t got stuff to do. Oh, no, no. I got deadlines, beb. But, I’ve just spectacularly whiled away the day and, this list of things below is further testament. So, read on, amigos:-

1. Watched ‘Hysteria’ – FYI, totes-amazing movie, y’all!

2. Watched the latest episode (partially, still saving the end for tonight) of ‘White Collar

3. Have been channeling my inner gay guy today hence, the tone of the blog-post

4. Watched this video… TWICE

5. Downloaded loadsa songs

6. Made pasta. Started watching some shit on YT, messed up pasta, spent the next half hour fixing pasta

7. Ate pasta. It was gooooood. No, really. It was. (Once I scraped off the burnt bits, it tasted scrumptious.)

8. Drank ‘x’ glasses of Iced Tea – with lemon, with allspice, with IDUNNOJUSTPUTTHISINTOTHEGLASSIT’LLTASTEAWESOMEYO

9. Read some blog-posts

10. Gossiped with folx (folks)

11. Coined new slang term – folx (FYI, folks)

12. Made coffee. Put too much coffee in. Still drinking said coffee…

13. Stared outside at the yellowing trees with LDR’s ‘Summertime Sadness’ on full blast

14. Watched ‘How To’ videos and read some ‘How To’ blog-posts

15. Ate some more pasta (post-scraping burnt bits off, of course)

16. Wrote this blog-post after starting it waaaaay back (like when it was not dark and stuff outside)

17. Panicking a little about tomorrow but, YOLO

18. Finally used ‘YOLO’ in the douche-y way it ought to be used

19. Still staring (squinting, really) at the yellowing trees outside but, with Aerosmith’sCrazy‘ on

20. FINALLY, posting this list after editing it (W/e, I know there’s not much to edit but, a 20 point list > 19 point list. Deal with it.)

So, how do you guys while away awesomely lazy days like these? And, how do you motivate yourself to get any work done at all on such days?

Note: Finished work for tomorrow, feeling much better now!

Titanic’s Fabulous Five

Well, a century old shipwreck is being celebrated today. Titanic stood for size, grandeur, luxury, speed, technology, ambition, hubris, achievement, even mythology. Well, a friend and I went to see the eponymous movie and here’s a list of the five things I liked in the movie (Oh, I saw the 3D version, it was well worth it!) :-

1. Leo and Kate: LOVE the young actors, the freshness sparkles through!

2. Billy Zane‘s Unintentional Comedic Presence: He’s funny in his own way, there’s a certain sarcastic streak in his dialogue delivery and just the right amount of buffoonery in his actions and expressions.

3. The Ship: The set Cameron and his guys designed was immense, glamorous and opulent. The attention to detail is amazing, everything is perfectly imperfect, wow.

4. Dialogue: The dialogues are poignant, pithy and perfectly delivered. My favorite one being Rose’s silent cry, “Outwardly I was everything a well brought up girl should be. Inside, I was screaming.

5. Preciseness: I love the scientific and logical way in which the movie’s been made. It’s technical, not unlike a NASA space mission. The angle of the ship tilt, the slide of the china, the path of the water, all of it is methodically researched and implemented.

But, most of all, I loved the authenticity in the movie – the characters, the situations, the love, the hate, the pain, the empathy, the affluence, the reminiscence, the emancipation and the realization that binds the movie together and binds the movie to the viewer is as true as truth. Perhaps that’s why it’s timeless, just as the ship. After all, this is the stuff of legends and classics, isn’t it?

My Top Three Current Reality T.V. Shows

Well, reality shows are pretty much the norm nowadays. From the Snookis to the Donald Trumps, they’re all doin’ ’em and they’re all gettin’ rich from their shenanigans on camera. But, here are some reality shows that are my favorites and here’s why :-

Undercover Boss USA

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I love the theme of this show: The top dog goes incognito to find out more about the real issues in her/his organization and take appropriate action. A lot of the times, the CEOs and CMDs find implementing the programs they’ve come up with for the employees hard to do! It’s a real eye-opener for the bosses to see what happens on a day-to-day basis and the interactions with customers, dealing with staff and handling products are fun to watch.

Come Dine With Me

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This show is EPIC! The contestants are always entertaining and some are downright hilarious! Love David Lamb’s comments, his voice-over’s the the icing on the cake! And, looking at food is always pleasurable!

Punk’d

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Ashton Kutcher, celebs getting spooked, hilarious sitchs, what’s not to like? My personal favorites are Zoe Saldana‘s episode, the one with the ‘Scrubs‘ guys and the Serena Williams‘ crack-up fest!

Five Insufferable Things To Be Passionate About

1. How You Look: You’re freshly tanned, very nice. You just got RiRi’s bleached blonde ‘do, very hip. Flashed everyone your perfect pearly white grin? Very cool. Just gave the plumber a booty tooch to show off your taut ass? Very in. Now stop it. You’re coming off as ridiculous, not to mention fake. FYI, nobody’s thinking about your ‘wonderful’ assets. They’re all thinking how humongous a loser you are.

Frankly, you’re not that great looking. You may be the beauty/hunk of your family and/or workplace and have these folk fawn over you (or be ‘jealous’ of your fantastical features) but, here’s the truth, honey; Though you may qualify for a second glance (based solely on your Kith and Kin’s evaluation), that’s pretty much where it ends, ‘kay?

2. How Others Look: Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and you my dear, have Madras Eye in that case. No one asked you if XYZ looks nice or not. Don’t dump your inaccurate and condescending beauty scale on anyone patient enough to listen to your cockamamie. Who’re you to decide if the ‘traditional’ looking girl you saw looks like a country ho? I doubt even Anna Wintour stands a chance against your caustic (and inaccurate) tongue.

Oh, and not to forget the ones who go to great lengths to stress how much they do to look better than you. Their weekly spa treatments are up on Twitter, they go on about their haircare routine like it’s a matter of international importance and their Facebook photo streams (in the ever popular ‘duckface’ pose) of their new YSL flapper dress never end. Ever. And, these factors apparently give them the upper hand in style, fashion and beauty. To you, only one thing needs to be said – quit judging people, you’re not so hot yourself.

3. Who You Pray To: Okay, so you believe in Jesus/Allah/Bhagwan Ram/Gautam Buddha. You pray diligently and observe your religious customs and rituals flawlessly. Commendable. But, why are you trying to shove your beliefs down someone else’s throat? There is no need to mock somebody’s God just because you think yours is better. Isn’t there just one God, many avatars? The main point of prayer and tradition is inculcating peace and discipline in one’s life, isn’t it? Frankly, no one’s religion is ‘the best’ simply because all religions are the same.

Islam = Hinduism = Christianity = Zoroastrianism = Buddhism = *Insert Religion Here* 

It’s high time you realized religion is a way of life, not a way of condemning others’ lives. Your faith and God are important to you, good. Just remember that the other person’s beliefs are just as dear the her/him. If you’re confused, go back to your Holy Text and refer to the part about respecting others. Yes, it doesn’t matter which Holy Text you revere, they all have the same teachings. It’s just the chronology that differs, hope that clears up the mist in your mind.

4. How You (In)Tolerate ‘Outsiders’: There’re all kinds of people in this world. They’re all the same; they’re all different. So, don’t annoy everyone by proclaiming your countrymen are superior. You’re as idiotic as the next immigrant. Don’t generalize Italians as womanizers. Don’t classify Pakistanis as terrorists. Don’t call Indians ‘job stealing gits’. Quit blaming ‘the west’ for ‘spreading homosexuality’. Quit harassing fee paying Indian students in Australia.There are a million contrary examples that pass you by but, your shitty tunnel vision catches only the flaws of said groups.

Also, a desi (Indian, for the uninitiated) take on this: Just because you’re from Assam doesn’t mean you’re hot stuff and if you’re from Gujarat don’t think you’re the next Ambani – it means you’re suffering from a ‘regional halo effect’ (coining my own term here). All you idiots in New Delhi calling every dusky girl a ‘Madrasan/Geek/Kolaveri Di’ and all you sycophants in Chennai advising anyone who mentions the humidity down South to leave the city, you guys are closet regionalists. All you great thinkers who riot around *Hint: RSS* throwing out the people who come from out-of-town to make a livelihood in Mumbai, go screw yourselves.

5. How You Are Better Than ABC: So, you think you’re all that, eh? You’ve got a minimum wage salary and are currently ‘living it up’ in a shared apartment with three Asian dudes and you think you’re better than Bob from across the street (because he’s just a struggling musician) and you miss no opportunity to highlight your assumption. Reality check: In five years’ time, Bob will own a duplex, a yacht and have a Swiss bank account whereas you’ll remain stuck in your $30,000 p.a. job.

Just because you’re bangin’ chicks left, right and center like Hugh Hefner (doesn’t mean you’re minting money like him), quit showing the sweet nerd down ‘cuz he’s on his way to a happy ending and you’re going to get AIDS. Just because someone is being kind enough to not point out what a massive asshole you are, don’t think you’re a rockstar. All you are is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Seriously, think about how insipid these issues are and how much time most people spend obsessing about them. Be passionate about stuff that matters, like the environment or politics. Get a life, do something meaningful.

Ladies V/S Ricky Bahl… er… Gents

Um, okay, I know the title is slightly gay (in a non-offensive way, FYI) but, as I am currently OD-ing on this song from Ladies vs Ricky Bahl, kindly excuse my New Delhi-ness. (In case you’re wondering what’s happened to my taste in music, I have only one explanation to give – I’ve been under house arrest for two months now, this much madness is acceptable.) Shush now! My main point for this blog-post is *Drumroll Please* Happy Women’s Day!

As we celebrate this wonderful day rejoicing the many, many accomplishments of our vaginal virginal beauties who’re busy donning smart Van Heusen pantsuits, beautifully tailored Balenciaga gowns, Ikkat petticoats and matching kolhapuris, let’s take a moment to see how we’re doing against the other half of the world, i.e., men (and everyone in between), a’rite?:-

a. More Qualifications, More Hours, Less Ka-Ching: Women have fought to get education in order to gain perspective and, well, plush jobs so that they can spend their hard earned money on MOAR SHOEZZ and charity and stuff. But, this funky graph shows that the more educated a woman is, she does not earn as much as her male counterpart. This doesn’t mean you get to dropout of High School sans negative ramifications, just learn to be a better negotiator, bonita. Also, women work longer to get raises, promotions and gain credibility at work. For instance, women often have to work three years longer in a teaching position to be promoted to the post of Principal than a male educator has to.

b. Women Earn Less than Men in 99% of All Occupations: Yep. Unless you’re a nanny, a teacher for the differently-abled, Beyonce, a nurse or a prostitute, a woman earns only 77.5¢  for each dollar a man earns.

c. If You Don’t Work in a Fortune 500 Company, Chances Are You’ve Got Yourself a Bosswoman: Women are good managers. Period. There are about 9.1 million women-owned businesses in the U.S., a number that comprises nearly 40% of all businesses. And, these women leaders employ 35% more people than ALL the Fortune 500 companies combined! Even so, it is sadly unsurprising to note that only 8% of the Fortune 500 ‘Mile High‘ Club is femme fatale.

d. Got Two ‘X’ Chromosomes? Here, Live Longer: In developed countries, the average life expectancy for women is 79 years and 72 years for men. Russian babes outlive Putin-type menfolk by a whopping thirteen years – tennis does keep one fit, eh?

e. Got Equal Parts ‘X’ and ‘Y’ Chromosomes? Here, Have a Larger Brain: The adult male brain is 10% larger than that of an adult woman’s. As they have more muscle mass *Cough**Penis**Cough*, guys’ brains require more neurons to control their bodies. On a completely unrelated note, brain size and intelligence are not relative to each other. *Flashes Evil Grin, Evilly*

f. You Jump, I Jump: Girls and boys, there’s one thing which is absolutely balanced between us! Heart attacks are the most common way for both genders to bite the big one *Crowd Goes Wild*! So, fancy dinner dates do pay off, huh? (See what I did there? I am like that only.)

Honestly, women have a lot more to do before they can call themselves empowered in the true sense of the word. However, the fairer sex has come a long way from airing rugs, doing the washing-up and learning how to crochet delightful patterns on pretty blue pinafores with no other option. It’s not nearly enough but, it does call for a toast! So, cheers to a Women’s Day that’ll open new doors for all the lovely ladies out there!

Ten Reasons Why Facebook is a Royal Shitfest

Hey guys!

I’m sure this is a topic you’ve all discussed, in varying degrees of likability. Here’s why I think Facebook is more or less a platform to seek attention and boast! :-

a. Useless Pictures of Useless People Doing Useless Things: Okay, now I get that you’ve got a face with angles and stuff but, do I need to see your pockmarked visage in fifty different angles? Ladies, please spare us the ever popular ‘Duckface‘ picture, the ‘come hither eyes’ photo and the ‘jutting out boobs’ snaps, ‘kay? Guys, gangsta poses don’t suit you unless you’re Jay-Z, period. Also, don’t share the same pictures again and again till people just get tired of ignoring the hideous ‘clicks’ and half-heartedly ‘Like’ them. FYI, just one decent picture is enough.

b. Useless Pictures by Useless People of Useless Things: Why are you posting images of trees and piles of leaves and shit? Why is there an album ‘My Cutiee Kitty Cat <3’ on my Newsfeed and a request to ‘Like’ some page you made for your dumb pet? I’m not gonna. Now scat!

c. Useless Pictures of Useless People Doing Useless Things Together: Here’s the skinny on couple photos, group photos, family portraits, et al on Facebook. Just what the hell are you trying to showcase? Ooh, this is me with my Porkie-Pie sucking my face! Look at us, we wear matchy-matchy socks ‘cuz that’s what love is about, innit? Ooh, look at our amazing family, we’re all so gorgeous and close-knit we’ve decided to take a fam-fam picture in full regalia! Doesn’t matter that we bitch about each other behind each others’ backs, ‘Like’ our glam photo, please! And, the creme-de-la-creme, *drumroll pleae* group photos of college chicks. There’s the group snap of girls’ feet, group photos of girls going ‘Yo!’ at the camera, group hug photos, butt snaps, group duckface pictures. As if these weren’t bad enough, there’ll be multiple photos with the same expression or pose but, with slight tweaks in lighting or ‘elegant’ photoshopped versions of the same.

d. Comments: “Awwwwww”, “OMG“, ‘omq’, “Gorgeous”, “Why this kolaveri di?” (the last one is expressly Indian) are some of the most common comments one finds on Facebook pictures, posts and statuses. Just how do you respond to these comments? IMHO, “Whatever” or “Fuck Off” seem appropriate.

e. Status Updates: Please, don’t spam our Newsfeeds with five minute updates on your Bipolar mood swings, don’t tag people and places and irritate us and please, just please, STOP updating quotes as your statuses. If I want inspiration, I will go to www.quickquotes.com myself. Also, don’t post stupid shit such as “OMG! ‘Like’ and ‘Share’ this update on your wall if you are a true 1D fan. 1D fandom foreverrrr!!!” Um… no, thank you. Finally, before you click on some shit link and spam all our walls, spread some dumb virus around and post “I’m sorry, you guys! IDK what happened, I think I’ve been hacked and the links sent from my account have viruses. DON’T CLICK ON THEM!!! Luv Ya!! XOXO”, please do us a favor and go jump off a cliff somewhere. Because, basically, you’re a dumbass who clicks on shit without prior thought and then proceeds to blame anonymous nerds. Please, even hackers have class.

f. Farmville, Mafia Wars, Tag This, 20 Questions, What-not: I don’t care about your corn, cattle and haystacks on Farmville, a’rite? I don’t want to get multiple arsenal bombs and dry hump the slutty chick on Mafia Wars. I couldn’t care less about cashin’ in my ‘Texas Hold ‘Em Poker’ chips. I don’t want to answer questions like ‘Do you think Dan likes cookies?’ or ‘Is Melissa a MILF?’ Gross.

g. Sickly Notes: If you want to write or share feelings that the Facebook ‘Status Update’ textbox can’t handle, please join www.wordpress.com (Hollaa!). Spare us inane ‘Notes’ on how sad you are, how you love this song and proceed to post its lyrics in VIBGYOR and please let polls be conducted by Gallup. But, most importantly, stop posting questionnaires with one hundred and fifty questions and if you must, please stop tagging us in them.

h. Poke! Poke! Poke!: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Geddit?

i. ‘I’ is for ‘Information’: Not musings, not bragging, not plagiarizing. The ‘About Me’ section on Facebook profiles gets me cracking every single time. People enjoy making complete asses of themselves by filling this section with just about anything. ‘If life’s a game, I’m playing it very smart’, ‘I’m on a quest to find myself’, ‘I’m a shining star’, etc. are some of the gems I’ve come across. If you don’t know yourself, kindly go and introspect or just leave the space blank, capiche?

I, personally have only two reasons for being a part of Facebook. It’s a handy tool to remember people’s birthdays though, admittedly I could get this service on another platform as well. Also, Facebook chat has given me some wonderful conversations with my best pals in India and abroad. Again, Gtalk, Skype, e-mail and phones can help me with that aspect of connectivity. But, yeah, that’s about it. That’s what Facebook means to me.

Ciao!

Marilyn, Marilyn

Ten reasons I adore Marilyn Monroe:-

1. She owned it. She really did.

2. She was proud of her curves. She flaunted her sexuality. Her sensuality was never cheap.

3. She was as graceful as the Princess of Morocco but, she wore her grace with ease and never let it overshadow her desires.

4. She threw caution to the winds on her quest for happiness.

5. She understood life. She was a go-getter. She believed.

6. She never gave up.

7. She was a smart brunette, smart enough to pull off being ‘blonde’.

8. She was much more than a pretty face. Her wit was biting. Her thoughts, deep.

9. She looked divine. Even when her heart wept from inside. Even when her soul crushed her spirit. Because she was beautiful from within. Despite heartache, despite heartbreak.

10. She died so young yet, she lived a million lives that someone who lived a thousand years may not have dreamt of in their wildest dreams.

My top three Marilyn Monroe quotes:-

“We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.”

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

‘Til next time, then!