Ten Reasons Why Facebook is a Royal Shitfest

Hey guys!

I’m sure this is a topic you’ve all discussed, in varying degrees of┬álikability. Here’s why I think Facebook is more or less a platform to seek attention and boast! :-

a. Useless Pictures of Useless People Doing Useless Things: Okay, now I get that you’ve got a face with angles and stuff but, do I need to see your pockmarked visage in fifty different angles? Ladies, please spare us the ever popular ‘Duckface‘ picture, the ‘come hither eyes’ photo and the ‘jutting out boobs’ snaps, ‘kay? Guys, gangsta poses don’t suit you unless you’re Jay-Z, period. Also, don’t share the same pictures again and again till people just get tired of ignoring the hideous ‘clicks’ and half-heartedly ‘Like’ them. FYI, just one decent picture is enough.

b. Useless Pictures by Useless People of Useless Things: Why are you posting images of trees and piles of leaves and shit? Why is there an album ‘My Cutiee Kitty Cat <3’ on my Newsfeed and a request to ‘Like’ some page you made for your dumb pet? I’m not gonna. Now scat!

c. Useless Pictures of Useless People Doing Useless Things Together: Here’s the skinny on couple photos, group photos, family portraits, et al on Facebook. Just what the hell are you trying to showcase? Ooh, this is me with my Porkie-Pie sucking my face! Look at us, we wear matchy-matchy socks ‘cuz that’s what love is about, innit? Ooh, look at our amazing family, we’re all so gorgeous and close-knit we’ve decided to take a fam-fam picture in full regalia! Doesn’t matter that we bitch about each other behind each others’ backs, ‘Like’ our glam photo, please! And, the creme-de-la-creme, *drumroll pleae* group photos of college chicks. There’s the group snap of girls’ feet, group photos of girls going ‘Yo!’ at the camera, group hug photos, butt snaps, group duckface pictures. As if these weren’t bad enough, there’ll be multiple photos with the same expression or pose but, with slight tweaks in lighting or ‘elegant’ photoshopped versions of the same.

d. Comments: “Awwwwww”, “OMG“, ‘omq’, “Gorgeous”, “Why this kolaveri di?” (the last one is expressly Indian) are some of the most common comments one finds on Facebook pictures, posts and statuses. Just how do you respond to these comments? IMHO, “Whatever” or “Fuck Off” seem appropriate.

e. Status Updates: Please, don’t spam our Newsfeeds with five minute updates on your Bipolar mood swings, don’t tag people and places and irritate us and please, just please, STOP updating quotes as your statuses. If I want inspiration, I will go to www.quickquotes.com myself. Also, don’t post stupid shit such as “OMG! ‘Like’ and ‘Share’ this update on your wall if you are a true 1D fan. 1D fandom foreverrrr!!!” Um… no, thank you. Finally, before you click on some shit link and spam all our walls, spread some dumb virus around and post “I’m sorry, you guys! IDK what happened, I think I’ve been hacked and the links sent from my account have viruses. DON’T CLICK ON THEM!!! Luv Ya!! XOXO”, please do us a favor and go jump off a cliff somewhere. Because, basically, you’re a dumbass who clicks on shit without prior thought and then proceeds to blame anonymous nerds. Please, even hackers have class.

f. Farmville, Mafia Wars, Tag This, 20 Questions, What-not: I don’t care about your corn, cattle and haystacks on Farmville, a’rite? I don’t want to get multiple arsenal bombs and dry hump the slutty chick on Mafia Wars. I couldn’t care less about cashin’ in my ‘Texas Hold ‘Em Poker’ chips. I don’t want to answer questions like ‘Do you think Dan likes cookies?’ or ‘Is Melissa a MILF?’ Gross.

g. Sickly Notes: If you want to write or share feelings that the Facebook ‘Status Update’ textbox can’t handle, please join www.wordpress.com (Hollaa!). Spare us inane ‘Notes’ on how sad you are, how you love this song and proceed to post its lyrics in VIBGYOR and please let polls be conducted by Gallup. But, most importantly, stop posting questionnaires with one hundred and fifty questions and if you must, please stop tagging us in them.

h. Poke! Poke! Poke!: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Geddit?

i. ‘I’ is for ‘Information’: Not musings, not bragging, not plagiarizing. The ‘About Me’ section on Facebook profiles gets me cracking every single time. People enjoy making complete asses of themselves by filling this section with just about anything. ‘If life’s a game, I’m playing it very smart’, ‘I’m on a quest to find myself’, ‘I’m a shining star’, etc. are some of the gems I’ve come across. If you don’t know yourself, kindly go and introspect or just leave the space blank, capiche?

I, personally have only two reasons for being a part of Facebook. It’s a handy tool to remember people’s birthdays though, admittedly I could get this service on another platform as well. Also, Facebook chat has given me some wonderful conversations with my best pals in India and abroad. Again, Gtalk, Skype, e-mail and phones can help me with that aspect of connectivity. But, yeah, that’s about it. That’s what Facebook means to me.

Ciao!

An Ode to a Fish

Hey y’all!

My pal (NMD) and I (SSS) came up with the idea of writing a song on ‘channeling your inner fish‘ post a swimming session. So, here goes nuffin’

‘Channel Your Inner Fish’

Live stuff like a fish in blue waters

that sparkly creature with no layers

for she goes with the flo’, goes in lo’

breathes in slo’, let’s it go(ooooo)

When you feel like you can’t take it anymore

And you may wish,

to channel your inner fish

Strap on those flippers

don’t listen to no whispers

breathe in slow, let it go

You gotta live like a fish

She looks so damn delish

Deep and blue is her home

her song is like a poem

You may think her mouth is funny

when she goes all bubble-blowey

But a fish always knows

that the bubble not only blows

It also carries her inner hopes

so they can be sown and shown

She looks at a current, a wave, a high tide

and never goes uh-oh!

For she can always, always go with the flow.

So(ooo) channel your inner fish

whenever you know something’s going amiss

and just let it go(ooo)