Things You End Up Doing On A Lazy Day

Okay, so today happens to be a pretty Sun-less, windy day (Yaaay! Fall’s here!) and as it happens, I’ve spent the whole, entire day being jobless.

This doesn’t mean I ain’t got stuff to do. Oh, no, no. I got deadlines, beb. But, I’ve just spectacularly whiled away the day and, this list of things below is further testament. So, read on, amigos:-

1. Watched ‘Hysteria’ – FYI, totes-amazing movie, y’all!

2. Watched the latest episode (partially, still saving the end for tonight) of ‘White Collar

3. Have been channeling my inner gay guy today hence, the tone of the blog-post

4. Watched this video… TWICE

5. Downloaded loadsa songs

6. Made pasta. Started watching some shit on YT, messed up pasta, spent the next half hour fixing pasta

7. Ate pasta. It was gooooood. No, really. It was. (Once I scraped off the burnt bits, it tasted scrumptious.)

8. Drank ‘x’ glasses of Iced Tea – with lemon, with allspice, with IDUNNOJUSTPUTTHISINTOTHEGLASSIT’LLTASTEAWESOMEYO

9. Read some blog-posts

10. Gossiped with folx (folks)

11. Coined new slang term – folx (FYI, folks)

12. Made coffee. Put too much coffee in. Still drinking said coffee…

13. Stared outside at the yellowing trees with LDR’s ‘Summertime Sadness’ on full blast

14. Watched ‘How To’ videos and read some ‘How To’ blog-posts

15. Ate some more pasta (post-scraping burnt bits off, of course)

16. Wrote this blog-post after starting it waaaaay back (like when it was not dark and stuff outside)

17. Panicking a little about tomorrow but, YOLO

18. Finally used ‘YOLO’ in the douche-y way it ought to be used

19. Still staring (squinting, really) at the yellowing trees outside but, with Aerosmith’sCrazy‘ on

20. FINALLY, posting this list after editing it (W/e, I know there’s not much to edit but, a 20 point list > 19 point list. Deal with it.)

So, how do you guys while away awesomely lazy days like these? And, how do you motivate yourself to get any work done at all on such days?

Note: Finished work for tomorrow, feeling much better now!

Why I Dislike Macy’s (Herald Square)

 

Well, I’m not too much of a shopaholic; I think I barely fall in the category, to tell you the truth. However, I do need to go and buy stuff occasionally, as we all do. So, I landed up at Macy’s the other day to buy some outerwear (winter approaches *brrrr*) and literally had a headache-inducing time. Here’s why:-

Macy's (Herald Square)

1. Macy’s is undergoing some sort of renovation – ALL HELL HATH BREAK LOOSE!! Half the display shelf cabinets are locked and one can’t even see most of the products or touch the and inspect them while browsing. In case one wants to see the product up-close, the utterly snobby Macy’s staff take their own sweet time in a) Noticing the customer b) Acknowledging the customer’s request and, c) Actually opening the God-damned cabinets! As if this weren’t taxing enough, the customers (due to lack of space) crowd around the area like they’re at a fish market and don’t let people pass by! (In hindsight, the customers’ may be milling around the area because someone has finally opened the coveted cabinets!)

Due to the renovation, half the escalators are not working and none of the elevators are working. Restrooms have been relocated to the BASEMENT and the MUTHAFUKIN’ SEVENTH FLOOR!!!

2. The Sales’ Reps are downright rude and do not pay any attention to the shoppers. Why are they hired? To lounge about and sample the stupid perfume strips they ought to be handing out to all the customers? No one’s at the changing room section to assist, either?!

3. The unfriendly folk at the counters not only behave unprofessionally with the customers, there is utter un-professionalism in the conversations between employees as well! A Mexican rep was yelling from one end of one of the sections to someone over at the other end, “HEYYYY!!! WHERE YOU AT?!” repeatedly while others were getting startled. If one wants to get a glimpse of the ghettos, one may come to this Macy’s.

In one of the sections, cashiers were chatting away with other staff members while doe-eyed tourist customers stood around, waiting confusedly.

Such things have happened earlier as well at this Macy’s but, the recent experience at the store has left a bitter taste in my mouth. And a headache. The management ought to seriously consider HR training for the staff and treating their customers well.

 

Get Out of My Way When I’m Getting My Sweat On!

Right. So this is a rant on all the pathetic and irritating aunties in my colony who have made my exercise routine excruciating because of their daily dose of dumbassery. For the uninitiated, middle-aged ladies in India are referred to as ‘aunties’ and it is common for these ladies to go for morning/evening walks in their respective suburbs.

These ladies are a peculiar species in their own way. They’re mostly housewives who spend the entire day yelling at their maids (household help in India is common) and over-feeding their darling children. They’re bored, undoubtedly. Come evening, they turn into salwar-kameezNike donning ninjas and hurry to meet their counterparts for their awesome “evening walk and chit-chat” sessions. Oh, and most of them carry flowery napkins to soak up their imagined workout sweat and frequently check their cellphones, which are generally worn as pendantesque accessories, like the three solid gold chains around their hippo necks aren’t eye-catching enough.

Anyway, once you get over this overwhelming sight, you notice that the aunty brigade takes up the entire road as they “walk”. Yes, the whole ten feet of road is occupied by these domestic cows as they sashay rhythmically down the lane. As it is they walk at a speed of roughly 2mts/hour, with breaks at regular intervals to catch their breaths and gossip some more – because it’s soooo difficult to saunter and jabber at the same time.

These Mrs. Khuranas and Mrs. Thiagarajans don’t give a damn about the loner jogger as s/he attempts to squeeze past the lady army and jog on steadfastly. They graciously deign to move for cars and autos and very grudgingly so for scooters and scooterettes. Please, hear our pleas! We’re here to use the roads, too!

For the love of God, please have mercy on us loner joggers, we need to maintain a pace to build our stamina, we need to work up a sweat and thin down. Isn’t that the point of exercise, really?

Sidebar: I really wanted to put in a picture but, as I searched Google Images, I found mostly aunty-centric porn. Did not know that’s a rage. Indian men’s taste sucks big time.

When I Feel Like Punching People

You know those people who’re bloody annoying most of the time – they’re the inconsiderate, mean, nasty, gossip-mongering irritants who make your day foul, at least for a while after you’re done interacting with them. You think to yourself, why the heck am I talking to these good-for-nothings when you’re in the middle of a long, pointless monologue  -y conversation with them. Here are some of the characteristics of these irritating idiots and their annoying and pathetic problems :-

1. Whiners: All they do is whine about how they’re stuck doing something they didn’t want to. Or what somebody did to them. Or how their Ramen noodles always get burnt. Or how they got stood up – again. Well, why don’t you guys gaze inward and see where the real issue lies? Stop blaming everyone but yourself and quit making everyone else’s ears bleed.

2. Victims: These folk just want to blame someone and differ from ‘Whiners’ slightly as they think everyone is against them. Why, you ask? Well, obviously because everyone’s jealous of them/ takes advantage of their ‘good nature’ and because as they so succinctly put it themselves, ‘Nice guys always finish last’. Um, no. The only reason you finished last is because you didn’t run fast enough. Deal with it. Move on.

3. Arguers: In a previous post, I mentioned how a conversation often becomes an argument, a chance to be ‘right’. Arguers are the other half of that dialogue. Everything is a pet peeve and every topic has to sway in the direction they agree with. These folk just rant and rant and rant till you feel like you’re about to snap and slap them hard.

So, what makes you annoyed when interacting with another person?

In Case of Confusion, Read Between the Lines

Right. So, lately you’ve begun to notice that things and/or folk around you are a teeny bit weird. It could be something as minuscule as things taking longer than usual, something as significant as distinct coolness from someone you know or maybe someone’s taking unnecessary interest in what you’re doing. Something is off. You’re confused and uncomfortable. You can’t quite figure it out but, your mind’s all over the place trying to figure out where the loose end, if any, is!

Now, while a lot of times the fault lies with you and the cause is usually an errant action you took in the past, sometimes, just sometimes, it isn’t the case. There are a million ways to figure out your own mistake – introspection and retrospection being the most noble and effective of the lot. However, I’m not going to talk (write?) about that aspect here. That’s a whole other blog-post, it’ll come soon!

I’m talking about the times when it’s really not your fault that things are weird but, you think it is. And therein lies the problem – and the solution. You spend hours and days pondering over what’s wrong, analyzing every little thing, replaying events in your head on loop to figure out what went wrong, discussing every detail with your extremely bored (and irate) parents and peers on a daily basis and yet you seem to be going around in circles! You even go on to ask anonymous questions on ‘Yahoo! Answers‘ and Google the same and actually go through 90% of the search results! You’re restless, unhappy and you’re really unsure about what in ruddy Hell is goin’ on! I’mma stop you here, my friend. And really tell you why you’re so damned confused.

See, the basic problem here is that you’ve gotten some weirdass notion in your head and you’re just not letting it go. It could be something as dumb as thinking someone’s mad at you because you forgot their birthday or something as allegedly important as believing that everybody’s out to get you because you’re so good at what you do/ so beautiful everyone’s jealous/ so brilliant that people want to pull you down/ such a sinner that God *Cough!* *Godmen* *Cough* are punishing you (Really? Let me make one thing crystal clear here. God is always there with everyone. And She/He always encourages and helps you. Also, Godmen are shifty 99% of the time, don’t even go there).

Whether your notion is true or not is futile. But, to tell you honestly, it’s as true as God’s own word is here but, only in your head and it’s as true as unicorns and leprechauns are in the physical world. Succinctly paraphrasing the previous sentence – Bitch, get your head out of you ass! Don’t let it get to you! Don’t let it get you down and out!

To put it simply – your weird notion is a parasite feeding on your energy and killing you softly in the process. Just let it go. Even if your stupid idea makes perfect sense right now. Even if your gut is telling you that the shit you’re thinking is practical and consistent with reality. Even if your analysis fits in your mind. Because, it doesn’t in real life. You’re not doing anything catastrophically wrong. You’re not sending out weird vibes. You’re not unlikable. You’re not facing nine seasons in Hell. And, don’t bolster yourself by saying, “It feels like it.” or “It feels right.” Um, NO. You only feel what you want to feel, ‘kay. If you want to change things (And, I really think it’s high time you did), you’re going to have to start thinking positively and you’ll start feeling positive about things.

The main point is, you’re just obsessing about something being wrong. And, if you obsess about something for too long, it starts to show. It is only then that all of the above actually start happening. And, then you go, “See! I was right! My life IS fucked up!” What the hell? First you derail things yourself, then you say, “It was going to happen, I knew it all along!” I mean, if you knew it, why didn’t you stop it? If you’re so damn clairvoyant, wise and mature, why didn’t you do something – anything – about it? And, why do you think now’s too late? Where’s the sense in whining about things, people and situations incessantly? Where’s the sense in resigning yourself to whatever spiral you’re in? Where’s the sense in suffering yourself, making the people around you sick, blaming others and playing the victim?

Don’t sit there and take it. Just take control of your life and do whatever it takes to get it back on track – the track you want your life on. Do it now. Start this instant. It’s gonna be hard but, it’s worth it. More power to you!

Ten Reasons Why Facebook is a Royal Shitfest

Hey guys!

I’m sure this is a topic you’ve all discussed, in varying degrees of likability. Here’s why I think Facebook is more or less a platform to seek attention and boast! :-

a. Useless Pictures of Useless People Doing Useless Things: Okay, now I get that you’ve got a face with angles and stuff but, do I need to see your pockmarked visage in fifty different angles? Ladies, please spare us the ever popular ‘Duckface‘ picture, the ‘come hither eyes’ photo and the ‘jutting out boobs’ snaps, ‘kay? Guys, gangsta poses don’t suit you unless you’re Jay-Z, period. Also, don’t share the same pictures again and again till people just get tired of ignoring the hideous ‘clicks’ and half-heartedly ‘Like’ them. FYI, just one decent picture is enough.

b. Useless Pictures by Useless People of Useless Things: Why are you posting images of trees and piles of leaves and shit? Why is there an album ‘My Cutiee Kitty Cat <3’ on my Newsfeed and a request to ‘Like’ some page you made for your dumb pet? I’m not gonna. Now scat!

c. Useless Pictures of Useless People Doing Useless Things Together: Here’s the skinny on couple photos, group photos, family portraits, et al on Facebook. Just what the hell are you trying to showcase? Ooh, this is me with my Porkie-Pie sucking my face! Look at us, we wear matchy-matchy socks ‘cuz that’s what love is about, innit? Ooh, look at our amazing family, we’re all so gorgeous and close-knit we’ve decided to take a fam-fam picture in full regalia! Doesn’t matter that we bitch about each other behind each others’ backs, ‘Like’ our glam photo, please! And, the creme-de-la-creme, *drumroll pleae* group photos of college chicks. There’s the group snap of girls’ feet, group photos of girls going ‘Yo!’ at the camera, group hug photos, butt snaps, group duckface pictures. As if these weren’t bad enough, there’ll be multiple photos with the same expression or pose but, with slight tweaks in lighting or ‘elegant’ photoshopped versions of the same.

d. Comments: “Awwwwww”, “OMG“, ‘omq’, “Gorgeous”, “Why this kolaveri di?” (the last one is expressly Indian) are some of the most common comments one finds on Facebook pictures, posts and statuses. Just how do you respond to these comments? IMHO, “Whatever” or “Fuck Off” seem appropriate.

e. Status Updates: Please, don’t spam our Newsfeeds with five minute updates on your Bipolar mood swings, don’t tag people and places and irritate us and please, just please, STOP updating quotes as your statuses. If I want inspiration, I will go to www.quickquotes.com myself. Also, don’t post stupid shit such as “OMG! ‘Like’ and ‘Share’ this update on your wall if you are a true 1D fan. 1D fandom foreverrrr!!!” Um… no, thank you. Finally, before you click on some shit link and spam all our walls, spread some dumb virus around and post “I’m sorry, you guys! IDK what happened, I think I’ve been hacked and the links sent from my account have viruses. DON’T CLICK ON THEM!!! Luv Ya!! XOXO”, please do us a favor and go jump off a cliff somewhere. Because, basically, you’re a dumbass who clicks on shit without prior thought and then proceeds to blame anonymous nerds. Please, even hackers have class.

f. Farmville, Mafia Wars, Tag This, 20 Questions, What-not: I don’t care about your corn, cattle and haystacks on Farmville, a’rite? I don’t want to get multiple arsenal bombs and dry hump the slutty chick on Mafia Wars. I couldn’t care less about cashin’ in my ‘Texas Hold ‘Em Poker’ chips. I don’t want to answer questions like ‘Do you think Dan likes cookies?’ or ‘Is Melissa a MILF?’ Gross.

g. Sickly Notes: If you want to write or share feelings that the Facebook ‘Status Update’ textbox can’t handle, please join www.wordpress.com (Hollaa!). Spare us inane ‘Notes’ on how sad you are, how you love this song and proceed to post its lyrics in VIBGYOR and please let polls be conducted by Gallup. But, most importantly, stop posting questionnaires with one hundred and fifty questions and if you must, please stop tagging us in them.

h. Poke! Poke! Poke!: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Geddit?

i. ‘I’ is for ‘Information’: Not musings, not bragging, not plagiarizing. The ‘About Me’ section on Facebook profiles gets me cracking every single time. People enjoy making complete asses of themselves by filling this section with just about anything. ‘If life’s a game, I’m playing it very smart’, ‘I’m on a quest to find myself’, ‘I’m a shining star’, etc. are some of the gems I’ve come across. If you don’t know yourself, kindly go and introspect or just leave the space blank, capiche?

I, personally have only two reasons for being a part of Facebook. It’s a handy tool to remember people’s birthdays though, admittedly I could get this service on another platform as well. Also, Facebook chat has given me some wonderful conversations with my best pals in India and abroad. Again, Gtalk, Skype, e-mail and phones can help me with that aspect of connectivity. But, yeah, that’s about it. That’s what Facebook means to me.

Ciao!

Your Crush Is Not Thinking About You, ‘Kay?

Okay, you guys, we’ve all been there. That sick yet, wonderful place where we fancy someone. It could be anyone – a friend, colleague, actor or some random face you saw on the bus or something. Basically, the fact is you like ’em and, they, well, may or may not reciprocate your temporary Arrhythmia. Most of the time, crushes are ones-sided affairs and the one suffering getting crushed under this huge weight is the last one to know that. So, let me make things easier for you, poor dear by telling you why the girl/boy you’re drooling over will never, I repeat, NEVER be your Coochie-coo and why you’re just wasting your time :-

a. You get up and think of the idiot as you get dressed for work/class/whatever with her/him in mind. You change your ‘outfit’ three times (Which one will s/he like more?), realize you’re running late, skip breakfast and rush.

STOP! Here’s why: You’re changing clothes like it’s a do-or-die thing! It isn’t. Rest assured, your Crush won’t even see the Houndstooth scarf or the Ferragamo tie you’re donning. ‘Kay. Quit it. Besides, it takes time and effort to wash, iron and darn those outfits! You’re missing breakfast, Bitch! It’s the single most important meal of the day. Don’t you know you’re going to fall sick if you skip meals like this? And, for what? Some ninny who doesn’t even remember your name.

b. All the time you’re spending thinking about this female/fellow is useless. You read a page of your notes/file and promptly start thinking about the color of said Crush’s eyes. Is it Bluey-Gray or Grayey-Blue? Hmmn. Must notice next time you accidentally-but-intentionally bump into her/him at lunch/the water cooler. You ‘Google‘ the girl/guy and actually go past page four in hope of finding out something, anything about the person. You stalk her/him on Facebook/Twitter and go through all her/his posts, pictures and friends and obsess over any good looking friends s/he has of the opposite gender or interacts with frequently on these platforms. You go for a movie and midway start thinking about how the second lead looks so much like your crush. What a cute ass s/he has! You wonder if s/he thinks about your ass. You make a mental note to go to the Gym so that s/he notices your perfect teacup shaped buttocks as you sashay past her/him. (Okay, if you’re a guy and think of sashaying and shit for a girl, you’re probably kinda gay and stuff. But, you can replace words to fit in your predicament, a’rite?) You forget the plot and piss off your friend to fill you in.

Aaargh! All the time you’re spending painting frescoes about your Crush and you which could parallel the ‘Mona Lisa‘, you could’ve finished all your assignments/work, taken that week off and gone for that awesome hiking trip you’ve been wanting to for nearly six months now. Your Crush, on the other hand, is probably zoning out somewhere and is not, in the slightest way, thinking about you. Also, your poor pal just wants to see the frickin’ movie, don’t irritate her/him by constantly jabbing her/him to fill you in! Bros before Hoes, remember!

c. You strategically position yourself so that there are a million chances for you and the Crush to ‘interact’ or to devise stratagems so that s/he notices you as you pose and pout or act sophisticated and flirty. You think of a hundred witty comments and imagine the wonderment your Crush will feel when s/he hears or sees you in action. “S/He’ll be starstruck once s/he hears me discussing Quantum Mechanics/ROIs with Delilah/Dave and maybe a little jealous if I touch Delilah/Dave on the shoulder? Man, this is an awesome plan!”, you think with glee.

Umm…okay. Hold your horses, mate. Not. Going. To. Happen. Why? Well, first of all, your Crush will be bemused why you’re screeching about shit that no one cares about and poor Delilah/Dave will just stand there flustered and scared while you deliver your ‘performance’ and wonder why you’re hitting her/him for no reason. Secondly, all the time you spend craning your neck to see if said Crush has noticed you will make you look like a moron and may result in sore neck muscles, a possible neck brace and a lot of money spent at the Doctor’s. Furthermore, if you’d used the awesome power of the amount of Grey cells that you used to devise ploys to entice this girl/guy, we’d probably have a cure for Cancer by now.

d. Any time you see your Crush with a member of the opposite sex, your heart starts sinking, you start tearing up and you start thinking of killing the POI or start hearing sad violin-type music *heart broken*. You frantically run around to get details of this mystery girl/guy and start obsessing if your Crush and the POI are an ‘item’. You start analyzing their body language, throw your pencil right near them and snoop around to hear snatches of their conversation.

Hello? They’re just talking, okay! No need to panic. And, even if they have a thing going on, it’s not like you didn’t know that s/he was never into you in the first place. Quit making a fool of yourself! Your nerves are on edge half the time and your brain’s on overtime for the rest of the day! Just forget the female/fellow and MOVE ON already!

I mean, it’s okay you have a crush and all that but, let’s be realistic. It’s a crush, it’ll go away. You probably don’t even like her/him that much. You’re just tired of being alone/bored/horny and need a release. Get your Klingon avatar on and redirect your energies into other stuff! Talk to your friends, go places and really immerse yourself in those experiences. Stop fantasizing and if you really, really like her/him so much, just go over and say ‘Hi!’ already!