Okay, you guys, we’ve all been there. That sick yet, wonderful place where we fancy someone. It could be anyone – a friend, colleague, actor or some random face you saw on the bus or something. Basically, the fact is you like ’em and, they, well, may or may not reciprocate your temporary Arrhythmia. Most of the time, crushes are ones-sided affairs and the one suffering getting crushed under this huge weight is the last one to know that. So, let me make things easier for you, poor dear by telling you why the girl/boy you’re drooling over will never, I repeat, NEVER be your Coochie-coo and why you’re just wasting your time :-
a. You get up and think of the idiot as you get dressed for work/class/whatever with her/him in mind. You change your ‘outfit’ three times (Which one will s/he like more?), realize you’re running late, skip breakfast and rush.
STOP! Here’s why: You’re changing clothes like it’s a do-or-die thing! It isn’t. Rest assured, your Crush won’t even see the Houndstooth scarf or the Ferragamo tie you’re donning. ‘Kay. Quit it. Besides, it takes time and effort to wash, iron and darn those outfits! You’re missing breakfast, Bitch! It’s the single most important meal of the day. Don’t you know you’re going to fall sick if you skip meals like this? And, for what? Some ninny who doesn’t even remember your name.
b. All the time you’re spending thinking about this female/fellow is useless. You read a page of your notes/file and promptly start thinking about the color of said Crush’s eyes. Is it Bluey-Gray or Grayey-Blue? Hmmn. Must notice next time you accidentally-but-intentionally bump into her/him at lunch/the water cooler. You ‘Google‘ the girl/guy and actually go past page four in hope of finding out something, anything about the person. You stalk her/him on Facebook/Twitter and go through all her/his posts, pictures and friends and obsess over any good looking friends s/he has of the opposite gender or interacts with frequently on these platforms. You go for a movie and midway start thinking about how the second lead looks so much like your crush. What a cute ass s/he has! You wonder if s/he thinks about your ass. You make a mental note to go to the Gym so that s/he notices your perfect teacup shaped buttocks as you sashay past her/him. (Okay, if you’re a guy and think of sashaying and shit for a girl, you’re probably kinda gay and stuff. But, you can replace words to fit in your predicament, a’rite?) You forget the plot and piss off your friend to fill you in.
Aaargh! All the time you’re spending painting frescoes about your Crush and you which could parallel the ‘Mona Lisa‘, you could’ve finished all your assignments/work, taken that week off and gone for that awesome hiking trip you’ve been wanting to for nearly six months now. Your Crush, on the other hand, is probably zoning out somewhere and is not, in the slightest way, thinking about you. Also, your poor pal just wants to see the frickin’ movie, don’t irritate her/him by constantly jabbing her/him to fill you in! Bros before Hoes, remember!
c. You strategically position yourself so that there are a million chances for you and the Crush to ‘interact’ or to devise stratagems so that s/he notices you as you pose and pout or act sophisticated and flirty. You think of a hundred witty comments and imagine the wonderment your Crush will feel when s/he hears or sees you in action. “S/He’ll be starstruck once s/he hears me discussing Quantum Mechanics/ROIs with Delilah/Dave and maybe a little jealous if I touch Delilah/Dave on the shoulder? Man, this is an awesome plan!”, you think with glee.
Umm…okay. Hold your horses, mate. Not. Going. To. Happen. Why? Well, first of all, your Crush will be bemused why you’re screeching about shit that no one cares about and poor Delilah/Dave will just stand there flustered and scared while you deliver your ‘performance’ and wonder why you’re hitting her/him for no reason. Secondly, all the time you spend craning your neck to see if said Crush has noticed you will make you look like a moron and may result in sore neck muscles, a possible neck brace and a lot of money spent at the Doctor’s. Furthermore, if you’d used the awesome power of the amount of Grey cells that you used to devise ploys to entice this girl/guy, we’d probably have a cure for Cancer by now.
d. Any time you see your Crush with a member of the opposite sex, your heart starts sinking, you start tearing up and you start thinking of killing the POI or start hearing sad violin-type music *heart broken*. You frantically run around to get details of this mystery girl/guy and start obsessing if your Crush and the POI are an ‘item’. You start analyzing their body language, throw your pencil right near them and snoop around to hear snatches of their conversation.
Hello? They’re just talking, okay! No need to panic. And, even if they have a thing going on, it’s not like you didn’t know that s/he was never into you in the first place. Quit making a fool of yourself! Your nerves are on edge half the time and your brain’s on overtime for the rest of the day! Just forget the female/fellow and MOVE ON already!
I mean, it’s okay you have a crush and all that but, let’s be realistic. It’s a crush, it’ll go away. You probably don’t even like her/him that much. You’re just tired of being alone/bored/horny and need a release. Get your Klingon avatar on and redirect your energies into other stuff! Talk to your friends, go places and really immerse yourself in those experiences. Stop fantasizing and if you really, really like her/him so much, just go over and say ‘Hi!’ already!