So, I met up with a couple of college mates recently. They’re a fine bunch of happy-go-lucky darlings. I feel I have been wrong in my assessment of them over the past few months. I took them for granted for way too long and caused them immense pain of the worst kind. They really stood up for me when I couldn’t bear the ignominy of being myself, or rather the fucked up version of me that I had become, and gave me something which I lack – trust.
My perspective has always been blinded by my inability to trust. ‘Tis a strange thing, this perspective. It can mold you, break you, make you and make everyone forsake you and you, them. It defines you in a way as it shows how you think, analyse and therefore react in a situation. In a way, perspective is the manifestation of past experiences evolving and molding your outlook in life. It also brings out your character. If you’re deeply suspicious by nature, your perspective will be that much narrow. If you have a bad opinion of someone, your perspective with regard to them will be more negative than, say, a vase of daisies and buttercups.
However, in my experience, perspective can always be related to incidents one has been in or those which have had a lasting impression on one’s mind. For instance, I associate these friends of mine with a deep feeling of regret and pain – somethings I was going through during that phase when I met them. Their actions, though blurred in my memory, have always seemed circumspect to me. In fact, they are not even the root cause of my perspective regarding their actions and reactions!
Honestly, I was deeply inhibited when I had to go and meet with them and was bracing myself. But, when I got there I realized how blind I had been. How cruel, selfish and inconsiderate I had been. How small and characterless I had become. It made me feel deeply ashamed of myself, my behavior and my inability to accept my loathsomeness. So, to you I say – I am a cunt of epic proportions and I deserved all the (hypothetical) raw fucking I have endured over the past few months.
I deserved to be hated back then when I was a nightmarish, boorish version of my putrid alter ego and I am infinitesimally indebted to those who did not forget who I am.