You’re Not Cool Because…

Hey, you! Yeah, you there with your frayed low-waist jeans and swagger to match, you look like a homeless dude, not cool, ‘kay? You there with the neon skirt and ‘I Heart Sugar Daddies’ tattoo on your lower back. Nada. And you there, with your multicolored spiky porcupine ‘do, you are definitely not cool!

I’m sick of meeting people who go around masquerading ‘being cool’ as it is ‘in’, posting a million Facebook ‘clicks’ making all sorts of crappy faces, texting shit like ‘txtn shyt lyk’ and acting douchy in general.

You. Are. Not. Cool.

You are as far away from cool as you could be. You’re at the top of the ‘Pseudo-Cool-Douchebag’ list. Basically, you’re uncool. And, the fact that you think that you’re actually fly makes you a complete buttwad and makes me want to swat you with one of those funky badminton racquet-shaped electric mosquito flyswats . Now, those are cool.

All you name-dropping, ‘Ambience Mall‘ hopping idiots, you are not cool because your attitudes suck. You look down at everyone who isn’t channeling Chanel when half of you think Coco refers to Coffee. You think you’re all that because you got passes to ‘LAP’ for an exclusive party? Can you spell ‘exclusive’ (Hint: It doesn’t start with ‘X’, honey)?

Don’t even get me started on all these anglicized ‘nicknames’ blinged out in Swarovski ambi-buti patterns on the covers of your iPhone 4 thingamajigs or whatever’s out now: J-Boi, Hunky Jaat, Pooo (like poo?),Jumzzz (Jamuna, go figure)? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you guys?

And what, I mean, what is up with the crappy accents? So, you went to Australia for a year, how the heck did you get a three-in-one accent! Oh, and please, spare us the “OMG! So durrrrddyeeee!” monologue after ‘living abroad’ (Raj Travels’ Malaysia-Thailand-Timbucktoo package) for five weeks. Bitch, please. It’s called a vacation, ‘kay? Lunatics.